Morphex's blogologue (Life, technology, music, politics, business, mental health and more)

This is the blog of Morten W. Petersen, aka. morphex in various places. I blog about my life, and what I find interesting and/or important. This is a personal blog without any editor or a lot of oversight so treat it as such. :)

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Finding a way to share cover songs

OK, so a little while ago I had problems with SoundCloud ( http://blogologue.com/blog_entry?id=1420246529X05 ), they took down a simple remix I made and gave me a dire warning that they would "terminate" my account.

Now I've got got a notice from MixCloud that they've taken down a song, even though it's my understanding that they pay licensing fees to the original creators so even though I make my own cover variant song of their song and all the income for that song goes to MixCloud and the content creators, they still take it down.

I think it's natural that people interpret popular culture and make works with popular culture. Popular music is also where a lot of people start, so there must be many, many people out there who want to share whatever they're working on, if just for fun (but also for feedback, a chance at getting noticed, making it big and so on). For me this music thing is a hobby so I'm not giving much thought to making money off it and all that entails, and to me it seems just wrong that it isn't possible to participate in a cultural exchange without getting hammered down like this.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Music (Atom feed)] [Comments] [22 Jan 19:33 GMT+1]

Some Hydrogen, EDM-like beats

So, this weekend I was feeling restless and nothing really fancied me, so I decided to play around with Hydrogen.

Hydrogen is an open source drum machine that runs on Linux, I've previously posted ( http://blogologue.com/blog_entry?id=1406401445X72 ) about a VirtualBox image that contains Linux and Hydrogen - which means you can run it on Windows and Macs as well.

Anyway, one of the things I've noticed with some (most?) EDM music is that it contains a "drumstick peak" where the beat gets more intensive in a song.

So I decided to create a drum track in Hydrogen that gives this peak in the song and I was able to do so just using the standard samples in Hydrogen.

The hydrogen file as well as an ogg file is available here:

http://blogologue.com/music/

Just thought I'd share this, if anything it can show how one creates a track in Hydrogen. I like Hydrogen for its simplicity, but now I yearn for something where I can edit the drum track as well as the synth/ambient sounds at the same time. So I'm looking at different apps that run on Linux that could do that.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Music (Atom feed)] [Comments] [12 Jan 08:04 GMT+1]

Repurposing old devices (NOKIA Lumia and Samsung Galaxy tab) for mobile internet access

So, where I'm staying right now doesn't offer a wired connection, so I've setup a mobile internet solution instead.

The companies that offer wireless mobile internet also offer routers etc. that can be used to setup WiFi access to the internet, but I didn't opt for any of those as I had a couple of old devices that could be setup as WiFi hotspots instead.

Up until a couple of days ago, I was using a Nokia Lumia as a WiFi hotspot and used the computer as a power source via USB, but I found that it started giving a very poor speed (20-30 KB/s) when I was on Linux. So I dug up my old Samsung Galaxy Tab P1000 instead, and placed my mobile internet provider SIM card in there.

It didn't work though, it just gave a couple of bars on the network indicating that there was some sort of connection, but no internet access.

After googling a bit, I found the setup procedure on Netcom (the provider of mobile broadband) for one of the devices they sold if internet didn't work. After some adjusting of the APN settings, I found that setting the Server to internet.netcom.no and the APN-Type of connection to internet, the Galaxy Tab started working as an access point to the internet.

So there you go, if you've got old phones etc. don't throw them away, they can be put to good use later.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Mobile (Atom feed)] [Comments] [07 Jan 05:11 GMT+1]

A SoundCloud(R) export tool

Hoi. OK, so these last couple of weeks I've been cleaning up things in my SoundCloud account, as there were lots of cover songs and some mixes and remixes that triggered the "SoundCloud copyright system".

There has been many rounds back and forth, and I even had to clear out private tracks for example of cover songs, which is strange.

Anyway, I figured that it would be nice to be able to export all of the content I've created over the last couple of years, just in case SoundCloud decides to "terminate" my account, files could be lost etc.

I downloaded the python-soundcloud package, and started getting to work. This module has been created by some person over @ SoundCloud. After some trying and failing it looked like it wasn't able to download tracks with the package, so I forked it on github ( here https://github.com/morphex/soundcloud-python ). Using that module and the following code in a script called for example download.py should do the trick.

# The following code is available under the GPL, version 3, available here: http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/gpl.html

import soundcloud, urllib2, urllib
from soundcloud.request import make_request
import os

CLIENT_ID = 'REGISTER ON SOUNDCLOUD AS APP'
CLIENT_SECRET = 'REGISTER ON SOUNDCLOUD AS APP'
USERNAME='YOUR SOUNDCLOUD EMAIL'
PASSWORD='YOUR SOUNDCLOUD PASSWORD'
LIMIT = 1000 # Maximum number of tracks to download
             # a limit in case something goes wrong 
             # so we don't hammer the system.

def download_tracks(output_directory):
    client = soundcloud.Client(
        client_id=CLIENT_ID,
        client_secret=CLIENT_SECRET,
        username=USERNAME,
        password=PASSWORD,
        )
    for track in client.get('/me/tracks', limit=LIMIT):
        path = track.download_url[len('https://api.soundcloud.com/')-1:]
        filename, data = client.get(track.download_url)
        output = open(os.path.join(output_directory, filename), 'w')
        output.write(data)
        output.close()
        print 'Downloaded file: ', filename

if __name__ == '__main__':
    import sys
    if len(sys.argv) != 2:
        raise SystemExit, 'output directory required'
    import os
    output_directory = sys.argv[1]
    try:
        os.mkdir(output_directory)
    except OSError:
        pass
    download_tracks(output_directory)


[Permalink] [By morphex] [Technology (Atom feed)] [Comments] [03 Jan 01:55 GMT+1]

Taking a look at SASS, Compass & Zen Grid

OK, so a couple of days ago I got the idea that I should create a new personal website, which syndicates information from various sources into one channel, or page. That is, all my Youtube stuff, Tweets, stuff posted on SoundCloud, Instagram and so on.

Now, I've been using Python, Zope and Plone for many years, in work projects as well as personal projects. This time, I was thinking of creating something very simple, maybe even static HTML, Javascript and CSS files. Well, as for the static part, I think it is a good idea. The process for creating those static files could be done in any way though.

So I started looking at responsive design, and having a framework that delivers a lot seemed like a good idea. I ended up choosing Zen Grid because it felt right, a Ruby- and Compass-based framework for creating grid-based layouts. Ruby is a programming language, and Compass is a framework for creating CSS. I got Ruby installed, and got SASS, Compass and Zen-Grid installed using gem, an easy enough process, typing 'gem install sass', 'gem install compass', 'gem install zen-grid'.

OK, everything installed - fine. Now I had to create a SASS/Compass project, and the 'compass create <projectname>' command handled that. Creating a project creates some files, using the find command shows which files are present in my project right now:

morphex@infernal-love:~/apache/stats/tester$ find .

./config.rb
./index.html
./sass
./sass/ie.scss
./sass/print.scss
./sass/screen.scss
./stylesheets
./stylesheets/ie.css
./stylesheets/print.css
./stylesheets/screen.css

The sass directory contains the SASS files which will be compiled into the CSS files in the stylesheets directory. Now, first thing is first, and that's the web page. It is available here:

http://blogologue.com/stats/tester/index.html

If you look at the source of that file, you can see it's an example copied from the Zen Grid reference, with the E field commented out. This is because I saw the E field being moved down as content was being added in rows to the B field. I couldn't see any need to go beyond the D so it was just easy to remove it and don't have any headaches trying to figure things out.

The CSS file that gives this page its layout and colours is here:

http://blogologue.com/stats/tester/stylesheets/screen.css

And the SASS file that generated that CSS is here:

http://blogologue.com/stats/tester/sass/screen.scss

It's all fairly straightforward, and it is a nice simple way to create a layout on a web page.

A final note on these files, config.rb should contain

  require 'zen-grids'

to make all of this work, like my one does: http://blogologue.com/stats/tester/config.rb

For my part, I'm thinking it could be fun to create some tools in Python that pulls everything together, at least something that can generate HTML with information from all the different sites I post content to. It's easy to start over-engineering on projects like this, but maybe I'll also wrap Ruby, SASS, Compass etc. in a Python package to make these features easily available for Python. As well as look at including Zope's page template package to easily create templates.

Oh well, I'll get back to progress on all of this later. Tata. :)

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Web (Atom feed)] [Comments] [04 Dec 17:29 GMT+1]

A journey into music

OK, so been a while since I blogged the last time. Lots of things have happened, but the most important part is that I've gotten a lot better at relaxing and taking it easy.

I thought I had something to say about music, and what can I say.

Up until maybe a couple of weeks ago I was cranking out music and getting into the groove of creating music, creating demos & songs. And I'm not the one to blow my own horn but in my opinion I was creating some good stuff that would suit some audience.

Anyway, these last couple of weeks I've spent at the family hut. Some days after I arrived, a violin also came in the mail. Prior to going to the hut I was listening to a cover of Viva la vida made by the Dallas String Quartet if I remember correctly, and I was deeply moved by the violin in that piece.

A picture of the violin is here:

http://instagram.com/p/r7sBWrKKpD/?modal=true

So yeah, a violin arrived last week, but it's these last couple of days I've been getting to play on it. It's really just posture, grip and open strings now, but it is good fun. I guess I'm that grown up that I can just STFU and do whatever the instructor says.

I found the lessons by this lady

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLLxyaKSNav9f9Vqvp99npQ

To be nice, easy and simple to follow. Now, to be honest and as a side note I'm on a very limited internet connection, so instead of replaying the lessons in a browser, I used a Python tool called youtube-dl to download the videos and play them locally.

It's here: http://rg3.github.io/youtube-dl/

This means I get video files that can be played locally, without the advertisements. Not exactly sure what to do about the ads, but Youtube should create some app that can store videos locally with ads so everything is in order.

Funny thing is, I bought a harmonica about a year ago, at the local rock museum, but haven't played it much up until now. But some travelling, broken violin strings etc. kinda forced my hand with regard to what I could use and the harmonica (picture here http://instagram.com/p/sTI8PXKKp9/?modal=true) was the obvious choice.

I guess to sum it up, these last couple of weeks I haven't really been creating or pushing myself to do much creative work, just playing with new instruments, relaxing and winding down. Not sure when I'll get back to creating new music but I think that new music will involve some harmonica and violin playing. :)

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Music (Atom feed)] [Comments] [30 Aug 00:33 GMT+1]

Mac/Windows/Linux + Linux & VirtualBox & Hydrogen = True

OK, so I've been dabbling a bit with Hydrogen again, the IMO very good drum machine kit for Lunix..

I've been a user of Linux for a long time both on the desktop and server side, but lately I've been running Windows a lot because that's where Battlefield 4 runs, an FPS-strategical-tactical war game.

And every now and then I fire up Audacity to record something. Now, I've also got myself a set of digital drums to learn how to play the drums, but it's also nice to just be able to plot something into a program and have a nice, perfect drumtrack to go.

Now, Hydrogen doesn't run on Windows, so I figured I could have a copy of Hydrogen running in a virtual machine on Windows. I tried setting something up using QEMU, but after a while I just gave up because of many different bugs.

So, I ended up using VirtualBox and created an appliance which you can download here:

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/77290387/Hydrogen%20Debi...

If you don't have VirtualBox installed, get it installed and then import this (via the File menu in the VirtualBox main panel) and start it up and you'll have Hydrogen readily available.

This appliance has today's export (26th of July) of Hydrogen from Github running, so it's the latest and maybe even greatest version of Hydrogen available.

Give it a try why dontcha?

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Music (Atom feed)] [Comments] [26 Jul 21:04 GMT+1]

Chandelier, hydrogen and audacity

So I've been playing around with Sia's Chandelier this weekend, first finding the beat and then adding onto that.

I also started playing around a bit with Audacity (audio editing) and Hydrogen, a drum machine software kit for Linux. Audacity has some features line tone generation, which is nice for creating these deep tones, and it is possible to create custom drum kits for Hydrogen..

So here's a kit that has the lowest notes and cross-fades them out over 2.5 seconds: http://blogologue.com/c0-b0%20crossfade%20out%202.5s.h2drumk... - it gives the long punch to this thing: https://soundcloud.com/morten-w-petersen/chandelier-part-2

I know the chorus vocals could be a bit better but I have to draw the line somewhere, this is a hobby after all and something I do when I have the energy and the "lust". :)


[Permalink] [By morphex] [Music (Atom feed)] [Comments] [25 May 16:08 GMT+1]

My health, obsessive compulsions, privacy rights

OK, so it's been a long time since I blogged the last time. For about a year or so now my mental health has changed in a positive way.. although I guess I've been depressed for a while, my two main issues, psychosis and anxiety have improved dramatically.

So it's a mixed bag you may say, as things improve, there are (natural) reactions to what one has been through. At the same time I've not seen my kids more than a couple of hours each month since last summer, and that's really tough, in the emotional, sad way.

I think I've had fairly deep issues for many years, but been good at covering it up, for different reasons. Anxiety, or what could be said to be similar to obsessive compulsions, has been one of the main things I've worked with in therapy. To put it simply, OCD/anxiety has a lot to do with fear, fear of what one think might happen, what one is afraid will happen. Mix that with some maybe poor separation with daydreaming, fantasy and so on and one might end up thinking one is something or capable of something, or that others might do you something - dramatic and not good. And when this anxiety and obsessiveness gets bad enough, one goes around thinking about it all the time, and checking in different ways if these fears are true. Examples are worries one might stab someone with a knife (although that's far from what the obsessive person is capable of) and have problems around knives and people, that one can get contaminated by touching a door handle and has to wash the hands often and so on.

It might sound weird, but it's real in the mind of the sufferer and completely natural.

I've been in therapy and taking medication for a little over 4 years now, and I think there's been a steady improvement over the whole period, and when I started noticing improvements, that really gave motivation to continue the process. There have been three important things in my life, that has enabled me to change and become better. Two are therapy, talking to therapists, the other taking medication.

The third thing is my two kids.. there are wonderful things that happen when one becomes a parent, maybe the most positive thing is being able to give love to and take care of these small humans. I got psychotic around the birth of my first son, and that's maybe natural, as birth and the time around it is a time of a lot of changes, and natural, instinctive thoughts and feelings come into play. It might also have been poor sleep or lack of enough sleep, but I don't remember that much details from that period.

Regarding therapy and medication; I've noticed myself in periods with little therapy that my mental health has improved.. And I think that's because of the medicine doing its thing, as well as new ways of thinking and handling issues learned from therapy have been working gradually over time.

So it's maybe not the best thing to see a therapist every week, several times a week and so on. It might be more than enough to go every two weeks, once a month etc. This might be the most efficient way, as the mental health services can treat more people with less resources too.

As for psychosis, wow it's a trip to hell. It's like a nightmare you can't wake up from, and if you think of love, thinking, anger, fear, hate as separate wires in your brain, it's like these can get connected up the wrong way so that for example something you've feared deeply before now can be come fun. It's hard to explain in a good way, but it's important to say that most people who are psychotic do no harm, and that it's a lot about what goes on inside a person's head.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Health (Atom feed)] [Comments] [20 Mar 14:08 GMT+1]

Some more improvisation :)

http://blogologue.com/fourth-improv.mp3

Enjoy.

More music posts are on this link: http://blogologue.com/search?category=1088844297X43 - simple recordings and thoughts about music

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Music (Atom feed)] [1 comments] [28 Jul 23:17 GMT+1]

A good point

I found this video on Facebook and twittered about it

  https://twitter.com/blogologue/status/357625893239267328

It's about a guy who's scared of heights, and as a part of the bachelor party, they are doing a fake bungee jump from a bridgde.

It is funny, but after laughing and smiling a bit about it, I found how it can illustrate mental issues... you can see the guy there, after having believed that he was about to jump of a bridge blindfolded and jumping, that he's struggling.

The other guys think it's funny, and it is, but just look at the guy afterwards and his reaction.

I think it illustrates a very good point about mental health, anxiety and so on. The thinking that something is a lot worse than it actually is, and that you need to keep on pushing to break through these barriers.

For example, panic attacks, social phobia and so on, can tire out someone just like the guy in the video, on a daily, weekly or whatever basis. Mental health is very real in the mind, and it evokes reactions from the body, for example that you get tired, put out and so on.

But the trick is to keep on pushing.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Health (Atom feed)] [Comments] [18 Jul 00:27 GMT+1]

A little improv jammin'

I've been playing different songs the last couple of days, nice to finally jam a bit and have som fun. :)

http://www.blogologue.com/improv-2013-07-16.mp3

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Music (Atom feed)] [Comments] [16 Jul 14:07 GMT+1]

Having two phones (HTC One X and Nokia Lumia 920)

So, a little while ago I bought myself a new phone, one in addition to the HTC One X I already have.

It was the Nokia Lumia 920, with a Windows Phone 8 operating system. I've played a bit around with it, and decided I like the new user interface.. it's intuitive that boxes can be dragged round and resized in the start screen. Downloaded some apps, for Twitter, Facebook, the bank and more, and these apps are OK to use. The gripe I have with the phone is that it the Spotify app isn't running as well as it should and the user interface is not that good, but I guess they'll improve that as time goes on.

So, some benefits of having two cellphones have popped up. I use a multi-SIM card solution from the phone operator Netcom, and for example when travelling by train where the coverage can vary, one phone can get SMS messages seconds or minutes before the other.

It is also nice to have one phone connected to the WiFi and the other not, so that whenever WiFi doesn't work as it should, it is easy and quick to use the other phone to check out Twitter, Facebook and so on.

So, now I have on Android Phone and one Windows Phone, and if the rumours are true, a big new Apple phone will arrive this summer. I think I'll get that one as well, and probably sell the HTC One unless I find a good reason to keep it.

A third benefit of having two phones is that one can pretty much always go through an entire day without having to charge up, and just put both in charging mode when going to bed. Most new phones suck battery like there's no tomorrow (...) so it is practical to have more than one phone in that regard.

I guess the only thing I'm missing for the Nokia Lumia 920 Windows Phone is an alternative browser. Firefox, Chrome, Safari or Opera would be nice, I guess WP8 isn't "big enough" yet that it has alternative browsers available.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Technology (Atom feed)] [Comments] [17 Apr 11:56 GMT+1]

On the Nokia Lumia 920

So, I've had the Nokia Lumia 920 phone for a couple of days now. As I twittered fairly quickly, the user interface was interesting, the built-in speaker sound was good and the screen was nice to use, even in sunlight.

Now I've played with it some more, and it's a phone I can like. The biggest gripe I have is that it doesn't look like there are any alternative browsers for it. I use IE sparingly, which I think MS deserves after years of dragging web-developers down with their half-hearted approach to supporting web standards.

Another nag was that the logon to the Microsoft-account system (Hotmail, what was MSN messenger etc.) failed to begin with, and gave a pretty cryptic error message as to why. After googling (in a way a regular user would most likely not be able to), I found that the issue was an incorrect time zone setup on the phone.

Anyway, I keep playing with the phone and getting used to the "start" screen with all its little boxes and customizing it. It has got apps for Spotify, 7 Digital, Skype, Facebook and more, so it will be a phone I can use on a regular basis. I think it's a good phone so far. :)


[Permalink] [By morphex] [Technology (Atom feed)] [Comments] [07 Apr 19:20 GMT+1]

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

So, long time since I've blogged :)

There has been a lot of changes in my life the last couple of months, Hilde has moved back to her home town to think about things, and I'm here in Trondheim trying to figure out things.

Not being around people you care about and have gotten used to, is hard. It's going better now than a month or two ago though, so one can adapt to most situations. Visiting Hilde and the kids now and then.

Up in the middle of all this, I've been working and hustling to get the house sold, things cleared up, getting more work and somewhere to go next. I feel more confident about myself now than I did half a year ago. The last couple of months have been very tough at times, but I've managed to get through it in a good way, and become more of myself again in the process.

Some months ago I also got a position as a board member in the local mental health organization (Mental Helse Trondheim), and also handling PR in that position. It's been a a very good experience participating there, seeing people who have been through tough times, that want to help others and getting paid nothing for it. Very inspiring and just the kind of positive experience I need.

So I'm up for new experiences these days, trying out new things and breaking away from my old, negative, thinking patterns.

Managed to cut down on the medicine as well, now using only 1 Truxal a day, compared to 3 some months ago. So I managed to cut down on medication while I was in a very tough situation.. that is something. :)

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Health (Atom feed)] [Comments] [04 Apr 13:59 GMT+1]

Really feeling the rebound

So, life is pretty good these days. :)

Studying some Spanish every day, working hard and getting some exercise.. just over a month ago I was discussing the use of anti-depressants with my psychologist and the psychiatrist in charge of prescribing medicine. I got a prescription and was planning on starting taking it, in the start of January.

I didn't start taking it; after many talks with the psychologist I guess I'm all for managing mental issues naturally, and since I'm already using Seroquel and Truxal, starting with another medicine seemed somewhat daunting.

Here I am some weeks after I could have started with anti-depressants and things are feeling quite OK without them. I'm not saying that if your doctor says you *should* start taking anti-depressants you shouldn't - but sometimes it can be OK to try regular psychological therapy instead.

We talked about using anti-depressants not for depression, but for general anxiety (including panic attacks) and obsessive-compulsive thoughts. I guess it's hard to be pessimistic about life when life has been shitty for a good while and then gradually gets better and better. :)

A combination of therapy and medication has worked well for me.. now I'm looking forward to one day be completely off the medicine, but there's no rush. Life is OK and I don't notice a lot of side-effects from the medicine anymore.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Health (Atom feed)] [Comments] [20 Jan 13:30 GMT+1]

Life after mental illness

So, merry Christmas. :)

This Christmas has been the best one in a good while. Good food, good drink, relaxed atmosphere. It's nice to chat with family, have a glass of cognac and just spend time enjoying life.

Just having peace of mind and doing what one could call mundane things is nice, after having mental issues it is easier to enjoy such smaller things in life.

It seems like time goes by at an increasing rate, the kids grow up quickly and all that jazz.

I've always been a curious person and until 94 I did pretty good at school. Since then and until this year, learning and such has been a struggle. I've been focusing on learning more Spanish the last month or so and it is starting to be good fun, because I feel I'm learning and understanding more over a short period of time.

Life has taught me many lessons, and I feel wiser than I maybe should at the age of 32, and to complement that with a proper education seems like the perfect thing. So that's one of my goals for the next couple of years, get the basic high school grades required for admission into university.

That, as well as keeping my day job (build a successful triple bottom line business), providing for and taking care of my family, loosing weight (or rather, keeping in shape) and getting familiar with politics and doing some projects there are my goals and projects for the next 4-5 years.

There I said it, and now to deliver on that. :)

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [Comments] [25 Dec 17:18 GMT+1]

Excessive worries and managing anxiety

OK, so I here I go blogging about mental issues again.. :)

A recurring theme for my mental health has been anxiety. Anxiety for many different things, panic attacks and so on.

Now, I could try to describe panic attacks (for me), they start as a murmur and then build themselves up to a climax, and the process from murmur to climax is very uncomfortable. Today I'm glad to say that it has been quite some time since I've had a panic attack.

I think the most important thing around panic attacks is that you learn that they are uncomfortable, but not dangerous. It might feel dangerous, but it's just your mind having a bad time. And you can get anxiety for having a panic attack as well. That is, anxiety for anxiety.

It can seem like a vicious circle but with therapy and medication it can be managed.

Well, I was going to blog about anxiety in general, that is, lately I've had some pretty bad anxiety that is somewhat constant and uncomfortable, waxes and vanes but is ever present.

Before this anxiety I had a long period where I felt good about things and life was flowing nicely..

So yeah, I had a nice run for a month maybe where things were fine, then I started getting bad anxiety again.. I talked to the therapist during the summer whether we should start using SSRI (aka. anti-depressants) but that we would wait and see if it is necessary.

I'm still not sure if I should start with that medicine, thinking less medicine is better, but now that I've had some good time to contrast with the bad anxiety I'm thinking I should start taking more medicine. Life is too short to spend it on having a bad time..

OK, so I'll let you know how that medicine thing goes. But, back to the real spark for this post, why I'm writing this post. I've talked to people that also suffer from anxiety, and a recurring theme is that a part of the negative process with anxiety is how others will perceive and treat you. A part of the anxiety is the thought that "Oh, now I can't get anxiety, what will people think?" - so part of the problem with (social) anxiety is that one is afraid of showing feelings, behaviour and thoughts because it is a taboo or not socially normal to talk about.

That's why I'm blogging today. Because talking about it, whether it is in therapy, among friends or in public, makes anxiety smaller, lesser.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Health (Atom feed)] [Comments] [25 Nov 19:23 GMT+1]

Regaining sense of self and error correction

So, been a while since I blogged about mental health.. life has been pretty good the last couple of months but I have had a bit of a "dip" a couple of weeks now.

I guess most people go about their lives and don't think too hard about how they're thinking, how they're acting etc.. the last couple of months I've been myself without giving much thought to how I behave or how I think.

Which is how it should be.. there has been quite a bit of talks with therapists and I notice now that I'm able to stop my mind running away with some negative/weird/scary thoughts and feelings once I become aware of thinking like that. Maybe not immediately but I've learned to take a break from <whatever>, focus on here and now and apprehend these thinking patterns.

It's a bit like error correction in hardware and software I guess, and a funny thing is that I use a form parity checking in that medicine tablets should be even or odd in the packaging, and something is up if it has been even for a while and suddenly goes odd. I also have a calendar reminder for taking meds in the middle of day, because I often get so lost in what I'm doing that I can end up taking it an or hour or two late.

So I'm getting used to being close to normal, and also getting used to that now and then uncomfortable thoughts and feelings can come back in periods of stress for example. When I read about things the therapist mentions these days, names for different psychological issues for example I'm able to understand what I'm reading and understand myself, while earlier it was just a big mess of thoughts and feelings and not much clarity.

I think the deal with severe mental health issues is that the here and now can be scary and uncomfortable, but one must always strive to think, and know, that things can get much better. I think the psychotic episode and issues that came after our first (Isak) was born is the worst I've had. It's in the couple of last weeks I recognize that it must have been very hard for Hilde in this period as well, jumping into the role of mom while I was so far down and so mentally ill. Just so that's said. :)


[Permalink] [By morphex] [Health (Atom feed)] [Comments] [16 Nov 17:48 GMT+1]

Internet over mobile network, ice.net

They've been working around or home the last couple of months to setup fiber for internet access. They had a mishap where internet was unavailable and one a couple of days ago as well.

So, I decided the other day that I need proper redundant internet access. We have devices on both of the major mobile GSM networks, and after being unsatisfied with how they work in lesser populated areas I decided to try something new.

So I bought an ICE.net router which is "CDMA EV-DO Rev. B". OK, so GSM, EDGE and CDMA etc. is different in speeds and features, I don't know much more than that.

So yeah, bought the router and got it fired up. And I must say I'm pleased with how it works. Great ping (SSH is as responsive as on regular broadband) and the transfer speeds are good too.

I'll use it now and then I guess, but it is good to have a backup besides the usual mobile phone networks. I look forward to taking it to more remote locations as well, to see how well it works in lesser populated areas.

So far it's looking good, it really feels like regular broadband.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Internet (Atom feed)] [Comments] [16 Nov 17:30 GMT+1]