So, it seems I'm pretty much over the psychosis stage now, after having talked to the therapist the last time.. I'm not sure how this diagosis thing works and everything, but now they are thinking about changing it.

I've read quite about this and that diagnosis and things related to psychosis such as being bipolar, depressive, manic and schizophrenic. I've also talked quite a bit to different therapists about diagnosis, and so far delusional disorder with psychosis seems to fit well.

Now it seems there can be severe bouts of anxiety and maybe some PTSD left.

Should I stay or should I go?

I've blogged quite a bit over the years and even when I was severely mentally ill, and lately I've been thinking about whether it is a good idea to blog about mental illness for me personally..

Spring 2011 we sold a part of our business to a partner, because we found that we were too small to be doing a lot of significantly different things.

Since that time there has been a lot less to do in the company, and although I've been fully committed to working in the company, I've also applied for jobs to get a steady income (since we sold a lot of the work and income) as well as "to get out a bit" and socialize more.

Anyway, I've got a ton of experience in running technical stuff as well as developing it and managing things. Even with that experience and having applied for a number of jobs I've only gotten one interview offer.

It's easy to find my blog through Google, and I think a lot of employers do search on the to get information about the applicant.

Ending a vicious circle

I think the problem with being mentally ill is that it is still a bit of a taboo, and this makes things worse because stigmatization adds to the problems. So what's needed is that more people talk about it and make it more acceptable to be ill. That's the only way to fix it really.

If I'm missing out on jobs because I'm blogging about my illness, then that's a part of a negative circle. If I'm not getting a job, then that could mean I could be out of work for a long period, and the longer you are without a job, the bigger the chance is that you don't get back in the job market - regardless of mental health.

Having something to do makes the days go by, and having a job is (I guess) a big deal for most people, as there is something to do and you get some social status from working. I think there are a lot of people out there who are mentally ill that could maybe work 10%, 30% and more, and that would be very helpful to the economy as well as IMO more people would get better, mentally.

During my most intense periods of psychosis I still worked 20% in the company, and in that period made decisions and plans that have in hindsight been very positive, and correct. So even if you're psychotic you can do something. And it helps to have something to do.

So this vicious circle.. you get ill, then you can't talk to a lot of people about it and if you apply for a job you can't talk about it. I think there is apprehension and fear around mental illness. Another part of that negative cycle is that not a lot of people talk about mental illness. There are I'm sure a lot of people who have varying degrees of mental illness, but because of for example stigmatization they don't seek help. Or maybe they are so ill that they lack the ability to understand that something is wrong with the way they think, or that they have become accustomed so the various symptoms of mental illness and go around with a serious mental handicap that hinders optimal functioning in life and enjoyment of it.

For the severely mentally ill, the problem with self-diagnosis or knowing that something is wrong with the way you think is that the same thing you're using to understand yourself is the thing that isn't working properly.

In that regard, it is helpful that mental illness gains acceptance, so that for example you can save a friend, relative or anyone by knowing a little more about mental illness and symptoms. Save them from squandering years of happiness, or even a whole lifetime of unecessary pain and stress.

So, now it has been well over 2 years since I had a psychotic break. I'm feeling better and feeling more now than for a long time.

I've had to deal with my issues and change my ways. Change the way I think about things, change habits.

And I'm glad to say that it works. Life is pretty good.

I think I've had a bad relationship towards web usage (using it too much) as well as work (working too much, not "disconnecting") for a number of years..

So what have I learned from all this? That life is short and it isn't easy for a lot of people. And that people can always change.

But the most important thing is taking the meds. Without them I would probably still be in a bit of a mess. And going to the therapist and being honest. That can be very hard, but to change something, it helps to start talking about it.

So, been a while since I blogged the last time. I've blogged a lot about psychosis and the related issues, and the last 2 years or so have been a steady climb towards feeling well. Some ups-and-downs, but in the longer perspective it's been going up all the way.

I was at a high-school reunion on Saturday and had fun and there I talked a bit about being ill as well. At its worst, the psychosis was the worst thing I've ever experienced.. and as we talked about on Saturday, it is hard to know how a mental illness feels for a person as the different illnesses vary and there are subjective feelings involved as well.

I've thought about explaining psychosis, and the best and shortest explanation is that it is like a nightmare you can't wake up from. Maybe some "weird" symptoms such as hallucinations as well, but mostly just intense fear and loosing the ability to observe and interact with the world around you. For me it was a nightmare initially, then I think I went into some mode of coping with dashes of intense fear and other things.

You can imagine how a person comes into a coping mode, if you compare the fear involved (for me anyway) with the fear you would have if you are in danger of being seriously hurt or dying. And going around with such a fear constantly makes your mind and body work in a different way than it would for a normal, healthy person.

I guess it changes the mind as well, and that's where antipsychotic medicine is so valuable. Some brain/body chemistry or interaction is off. I wasn't paying attention a week or so ago and forgot to take my last pill before going to bed. And the next morning I got some of the psychosis-related symptoms back, not uncontrollably intense, but uncomfortable. As I've mentioned before, "coming down" from a psychosis can be uncomfortable as one can get PTSD and other related problems, and these may be attributed to the medicine, but taking the meds is vitally important. I've taken them since day 1 of getting them, and that's a part of the reason I'm doing as well as I'm doing now.

Anyway, now I feel good and feel smart, and act smart. :)

[Later same day..] Got a phone from the psychologist's office that she was on sick leave. So I may have to get a new psychologist, maybe for a longer period. Of course, I forgot to mention that the psychiatrists/psychologists have been very helpful as well and I notice a little stress about establishing a new connection. Talking about some things is hard, but it also gets easier every time I have to do it with a new person.

I'm settling into a comfortable pace these days, prioritizing exercise.. I'm quite happy with that actually, I'm now up on 102 push-ups, which is IMO a feat since I'm pushing up a bit of weight.

Soccer is fun, and even though I haven't played much in the last 12-14 years I'm able to make some nice plays.. Soccer is great, as it never gets boring.. running on a threadmill or out in the woods isn't quite my thing, interesting how much more fun something is when there competition and a ball to kick around.

Oh well, I'm thinking of getting a drum kit; there are ones out there for about 4000 NOK which look OK. I've heard it isn't that hard to play the drums, you just need rhytm. So maybe I'll start playing the drums too and create another track. Whatever music and rhytms that pop into my head.

The local elections are coming closer, and I should do some stand-work for Venstre one of these days. Politics is interesting, and I guess you can get a kick out of that as well, finding good solutions and making decisions which affect a lot of people and has the potentional to do a lot of good.

I have some (business and tech) concepts I'd like to realize, not sure about the funding yet but maybe try the local state-backed funding sources first. Some neat ideas, which could make the world a better place.

Bruce Springsteen - Hungry heart

Queen, David Bowie - Under pressure

Last weekend I was with friends and we fished for a while. I got 4 Mackerell and a couple of Cods one evening and it was good fun.

I'm bitten by the fishing bug I think, and today I bought myself a second fishing rod and some 30 gram sinkers. So now I'll be able to have one out lying with bait and another where I actively fish, pull and jerk and so on.

It should be good fun, and now that I have a moped I'm more mobile as well so I'll be able to go out after workhours and fish.

The bait fishing rod will have 2 hooks with some fish food on them (probably fish or shrimps (shrimps = catching wolffish)) and a 30 gram sinker. Wolffish are not that pretty, but excellent (a delicacy) as food.

I can't wait to go fishing. :)

Well, my mental health is still improving (or rather at the moment at a bit of a plataeu). There is still some bouts of anxiety which are uncomfortable, but with techniques and ways of thinking about it I learned from my psychiatrist, they are at times manageable.

It is a great comfort to have Valium, if nothing else as a backup and then trying to deal with situations without using it.

I think the Valium is a great aide, but that it also maybe postpones some natural emotional processes.. so that if I take it one evening it does enable me to disconnect from stress and problematic emotions and then the day after deal with them.

So taking a Valium in the evening and then going to bed at an early hour and getting a good nights sleep breaks up stress and troubled hours and makes them manageable.

As the doctor in Spain said, people who use it over time and relatively often are worse off in the long run than those who don't. And I see that now. A lot of my mental problems are entangled experiences and emotions and need to be untangled.

I still look back sometimes and think of a lot of wasted time (happiness) during my life due to mental issues, but it is getting better now. I think I remember from a younger age that I wondered what mental illness and such was and not understanding, and for better or worse, I understand a lot about it now.

Norway is a pretty good place to live, but if the thing that's handling the input is broken, one can still be in a kind of hell while everyone around is OK or happy, and playful. It is a handicap to have serious mental issues, a handicap that you can hide from everyone else but at times come off as odd, irritable, weird, clumsy, stupid and so on. And a handicap you can get rid off by taking medicine and/or going to therapy, although one is (in the case of psychosis) more vulnerable to a new psychotic episode after having one.

Well, I'm exercising more and trying to get at least 30-60 minutes of exercise every day, either walking, doing strength exercises and so on. Exercise is as I've said earlier probably one of the best things one can do for mind and body, although overdoing it makes things worse.

I'm up to 50 seconds sideways plank (25 seconds on each side), 50 seconds static pushups (25 seconds on each side) 64 squats (without weights), 63 push-ups (12, 12, 12, 27), 108 sit-ups, 108 back-lifts (lying on the back and lifting the butt) and 108 lower-back push-downs (lying on the back pushing the lower-back down to the floor) and 120 arm pull-ups, sitting and squatting forward while lifting the arm up fast or slow.

I'm quite proud of reaching this level of exercise and strength now, and it has been a gradual build up from about half of what's listed above.

So, Friday a Norwegian guy went on a rampage and first set off a bomb in Oslo (killing 7, so far) and then a bit later went around and slaughtered young kids (about 86, so far) for over an hour on an island.

I found the whole thing very disturbing, and at first it seemed unreal that something as big as this could happen in Norway. But it did.

I've reflected a bit about it, and thought that it's one thing to set off a bomb, another is to go around on an island and slowly but surely slaughter over 80 kids and some adults with "high impact" ammunition, as they scream and beg for mercy.

He was apprehended and in interrogation told the police that what he did was gruesome but necessary.

So here you have an intelligent guy that decides to kill a bunch of people, because of anti-islamist and other beliefs and trying to "save" Norway (and the world?) from "left-wing" thinking. The guy was on the extremist right-wing.

Some more about that here:

http://www.oysteinrunde.no/#post18

Well, he's going to be put to justice I think.. I think he'll be kept in "safe keeping" for the rest of his life. There has some been talk about how a person could be able to do this and that he is a psychopath (had an antisocial personality disorder). There has also been talk about him being psychotic, but it is hard to believe that a guy could have such a high level of functioning and be psychotic. Maybe delusional, and maybe other things.

Maybe he'll be able to change.. maybe there were one or more deep things that enabled him to emotionally be able to do this. Maybe he'll be able to change from what he is today.

There are war criminals that have slaughtered a lot more people than he did and that have relatively short sentences and that this guy thought he was doing the necessary thing in a kind of war. But these are complicated questions and it will be interesting to see how the trial goes.

So, another test with Audacity exporting to MP3, now with a gain on the "solo" track so that it's easier to hear it:

http://blogologue.com/audacity-test-2-solo-track-gain.mp3