Morphex's blogologue (Life, technology, music, politics, business, mental health and more)

This is the blog of Morten W. Petersen, aka. morphex in various places. I blog about my life, and what I find interesting and/or important. This is a personal blog without any editor or a lot of oversight so treat it as such. :)

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Filling in the pieces

So, I'm playing along with the Schizophrenia theme, and have been reading up a bit about it.

On this page:

There was a nice "flow chart" of how Schizophrenia develops. I looked at that page a week or so ago, and it stuck to my mind.

Today there was the baptizing of Isak (which went well). Afterwards there was dinner, and I had to make a little speech. Which was very short, and I could feel my hands shaking for 5-10 minutes afterwards. :|

Anyway, down to business. Later we went to Hilde's parents place and had coffee & cake. So far so good.. but after some time I started thinking negatively and with anxiety and shame for my lack of ability to cope socially. What had been an OK or good day turned bad. And things in that light of negativity became bad, so that the whole day felt rotten and shitty. In such a cycle there seems to be some emotional hyperfocus, where I can tell exactly what's happening on the social/personal level between people. So, I guess that's a feature, at times when I'm tense or focused I'm easily able to tell what's happening by reading facial expressions and other things. But at the same time, I'm bombing my own mind with negative thoughts and feelings.

But, I managed to pull things together afterwards, and had an hour or so with talk and such with others. I think I managed to pull together because, today, I have a fairly good life (status) and something to "brag about" plus 2 very important people (Hilde and Isak).0

But is this Bipolar or Schizophrenia? I'm not sure. I know now when I think back, I've had periods where I'm helpless and bomb myself with negative thoughts (it is hard to describe the emotional impact), but you can say that such a negative feedback-loop becomes so bad that you don't get sad any longer, it is just negative thoughts and anxiety and confusion, fatigue, agression and compulsion. And something negative said by someone else can be devastating, unless the "shield is up" and I press on no matter what.

Today had such a negative cycle that lasted for an hour or two, but the preceeding week or so had been fairly good, so I was able to be sad afterwards instead of just turning into some sort of emotional zombie where emotional and mental "noise/storm" was the result.

And I feel now that I'm exhausted. This crap can tear you down, time after time.

A coping mechanism I've developed since childhood perhaps, is that I daydream and think that I am great in some ways, and "read a lot into" things I read, hear or say. That's fine and dandy, but also a bit weird as there is a disconnect with reality.

So, I can dream and think I'm something, and sometimes those daydreams and perceptions can be good. But it is also a downside, as one of those negative cycles get really bad, because not only are things difficult, you "daydream" a lot of negative things too. So that life in essence becomes a nightmare you can't escape from.

And then there's the compulsion to fix things. Not myself directly, but I read, think and try to fix things and work on things. And then things that a "normal" person would see as straightforward I mull over and just about everything takes an effort.

I find the writing therapeutical right now and could've written more, but I have to go.

[Later..] Some units of alcohol later, things are fine and dandy.

And the negative self-bombing thing. Well, to explain it, things in recent events come back in a negative light, and then other things that have happened in the past also come back with a vengeance. Jokes, things I've said and done. It sounds like the deep depression thing from BiPolar. But the thing is I haven't felt very "euphoric" for longer periods of time, or at least I can't remember them as such.

I don't know if this rubber-band backlash effect is because of unprosessed (undiscussed) events or something else.

On 300 mg of Seroquel now, plus 30-45 mg of Truxal. I think that helps a lot.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Health (Atom feed)] [14 Mar 19:32 Europe/Oslo]