Morphex's blogologue (Life, technology, music, politics, business, mental health and more)

This is the blog of Morten W. Petersen, aka. morphex in various places. I blog about my life, and what I find interesting and/or important. This is a personal blog without any editor or a lot of oversight so treat it as such. :)

My email is morphex@gmail.com.

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Hello, ladies

So lately I've gotten around to exercising more, and since there has been some sunny days, I've also gotten a bit of a tan.

Now I might be imagining things, but it looks like I'm getting more attention from you ladies.

Which is nice, but since the situation is as it is, it would be nice if you're interested, that you send me an email, a message or something in written form.

I like a cute face, I like a nice personality.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [13 May 21:35 Europe/Oslo]

A man walks into a bar..

So this week I've been visiting the kids, and the visit went relatively well, it was nice to see the kids again.

I don't have a relationship with the kids mom or her family anymore, and took the train from Mo i Rana to Trondheim yesterday evening.

Some of her relatives were on the train as well, but they didn't stop to say hi and it was fine by me.

Had a good time towards the end of the train journey, ate well and had some wine and beer. Headed towards a regular place when I got to Trondheim to have some beers and maybe meet some friendlies there.

After a while I was ordering a second beer when this chick I might have met before started suggesting what I should have. So OK, I went with her suggestion.

After drinking some of that beer I figured I could go talk to her, since she struck up a conversation with me.

But I think she was (the only girl) sitting at a table with maybe 5 other guys, and as I started talking to her, a guy at the table asked me to stop talking to her, I kept talking a bit with her and she said she studied law, then she said she studies psychology.. I glanced around the table and persisted a bit, but the guy still kept asking me to stop talking to her.

Well, I got a bad feeling right then and there and instinctively agreed with the guy asking me to stop talking to her. Next time I'll look at the company someone's with before I start talking to someone who started talking to me first..

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [06 Feb 21:14 Europe/Oslo]

Life after mental illness

So, merry Christmas. :)

This Christmas has been the best one in a good while. Good food, good drink, relaxed atmosphere. It's nice to chat with family, have a glass of cognac and just spend time enjoying life.

Just having peace of mind and doing what one could call mundane things is nice, after having mental issues it is easier to enjoy such smaller things in life.

It seems like time goes by at an increasing rate, the kids grow up quickly and all that jazz.

I've always been a curious person and until 94 I did pretty good at school. Since then and until this year, learning and such has been a struggle. I've been focusing on learning more Spanish the last month or so and it is starting to be good fun, because I feel I'm learning and understanding more over a short period of time.

Life has taught me many lessons, and I feel wiser than I maybe should at the age of 32, and to complement that with a proper education seems like the perfect thing. So that's one of my goals for the next couple of years, get the basic high school grades required for admission into university.

That, as well as keeping my day job (build a successful triple bottom line business), providing for and taking care of my family, loosing weight (or rather, keeping in shape) and getting familiar with politics and doing some projects there are my goals and projects for the next 4-5 years.

There I said it, and now to deliver on that. :)

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [25 Dec 17:18 Europe/Oslo]

Firing all all cylinders, looking far ahead, cruising speed

So, a little over a week ago we came back from Spain. A month of relaxation, family time, tanning, a little drinking have been good.

Last week I started working again, and the situation being what it was I worked hard and long hours to get things under control after a month of nearly not working.

And it went fine. The things that's been bothering me the most the last 6 months maybe is anxiety, panic anxiety and different kinds of worries that can seep energy leaving me unresponsive, unproductive and other things. The anxiety is now almost gone, it creeps up every now and then but haven't had a panic attack in many months. Every time I feel an attack creeping up I check that I've taken my meds, eaten enough and just trying to do normal things and relax. And then it passes.

Last week I started practice driving with my brother as well, we were out driving 2 times and it went surprisingly well. Mixing the clutch-, brake- and gass-pedals to get a smooth start and cruise, looking far ahead when driving (for pedestrians and other things) while keeping a steady pace, keeping within the lane etc. isn't that hard to do. With anxiety manageable I'm able to do new things, necessary things.

Now I'm going out to jog, trying Endomondo for the first time. Hit me up, I'm Morten W. Petersen (morphex@gmail.com) - would be nice to have some more friends on there.

Suitable amounts of exercise: Mental and physical health win.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [15 Oct 14:42 Europe/Oslo]

Attitude really matters

So, been a while since I blogged about mental things now, but I thought it was time to blog a bit about it.

Nobody I know that knows I`ve struggled with things says anything negative about it, I haven´t heard once anyone say anything negative at all. People think I´ve got guts talking (blogging) about it. Some comments and suggestions on dropping the medicines I use and so on, but that´s something I`ve never done to the most important one, the anti-psychotics.. It´s around 2 months since I last took a Valium and that´s a victory.

That`s maybe natural too because I don`t talk a lot about it, it is interestingly enough easier to blog in public than speak about it in person.. it is important to be seen for things besides mental illness.

Anyway, life is pretty good. Discussed adding some medicine (anti-depressants) to the regimen but these last couple of weeks in particular have been good, I´ve started doing exercise on a regular basis (strength and running). It is widely known that exercise helps on a lot of things, and I`m quite a bit overweight so it is good to see the weight go down and feeling more energetic.

Anyway, the title of this blog post is about attitude. Attitude really matters. I often remind myself that how far I`ve come is good, and that things will go even better over time, over time there is constant progress and some ups and downs along the way.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [30 Aug 21:36 Europe/Oslo]

A new joy in life

So lately I've found a new joy in life.. after being a heavy coffee drinker for many years, I watched a program on the TV where a woman talked about coffee being "too fast" for her, and that drinking tea was better.

I've been drinking tea now and then and it struck me that this could be true for me as well. I get too "manic" when drinking coffee and these last couple of weeks I've been drinking tea instead.

And it is a great joy, tea tastes great especially with honey and milk added. And there is a plethora of different tea types so one can vary and try different things now and then and have a selection of different types at hand.

And yes, it seems that it is better for me to drink tea than coffee, so now I know that as well.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [14 Jun 09:08 Europe/Oslo]

Learning to think differently, on different things

So, been a while since I last blogged.. life continues to improve and I am able to control my feelings and thoughts better.

It's been well over 2 years with medications and therapy, and it helps. I feel I've been making really good progress after having started going to psychologists. I'm not sure exactly what it is they do, but just talking about things and getting control over bouts of anxiety and learning that things that are felt as perceived as dangerous are in fact not that dangerous helps tremendously.

My ability to focus and persist has grown a lot, the last week or two I've been sticking my head into some pretty complex stuff ( http://www.nidelven-it.no/weblogs/hosting/blog_entry?id=1329... ) and I've managed to fix things that might have been out of my reach earlier.

Through the last years I've had some persisting uncomfortable thoughts and feelings which have seemed very real, and those have been part of a psychosis. I know now that psychosis and other serious mental health issues are things people in general don't know or care that much about, but that they are very real and painful. And that you can live with various symptoms if you learn how to handle them and have a normal functional life. For example if you go around hearing voices or see things that others don't see or feel and think you are something you're not - it can be managed, one can live with it and see it as a part of a normal life. Or they can just go away.

I'm probably having GAD now, generalized anxiety disorder. There is some relation between my anxiety and my psychosis, and that makes sense as low doses of anti-psychotics are used to treat anxiety as well.. managing my thoughts and feelings is what I'm working on these days and I am making great strides in it.

Well, now it's about two months until baby #2 comes, and I feel OK about it. There is something to be said about births and them triggering psychosis or other things, but we're doing everything we can to manage our time and stress in that period (having frequent appointments with the psychologist for example) so we're doing what we can do make it a "controlled landing".

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [18 Feb 08:30 Europe/Oslo]

A comfortable pace

I'm settling into a comfortable pace these days, prioritizing exercise.. I'm quite happy with that actually, I'm now up on 102 push-ups, which is IMO a feat since I'm pushing up a bit of weight.

Soccer is fun, and even though I haven't played much in the last 12-14 years I'm able to make some nice plays.. Soccer is great, as it never gets boring.. running on a threadmill or out in the woods isn't quite my thing, interesting how much more fun something is when there competition and a ball to kick around.

Oh well, I'm thinking of getting a drum kit; there are ones out there for about 4000 NOK which look OK. I've heard it isn't that hard to play the drums, you just need rhytm. So maybe I'll start playing the drums too and create another track. Whatever music and rhytms that pop into my head.

The local elections are coming closer, and I should do some stand-work for Venstre one of these days. Politics is interesting, and I guess you can get a kick out of that as well, finding good solutions and making decisions which affect a lot of people and has the potentional to do a lot of good.

I have some (business and tech) concepts I'd like to realize, not sure about the funding yet but maybe try the local state-backed funding sources first. Some neat ideas, which could make the world a better place.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [31 Aug 09:26 Europe/Oslo]

Keeping things structured, having "consistent frames"

So, I've managed to reduce the pace at which I've been living the last year, and after some discussions with the psychiatrist, I see that stress is something that makes my (psychotic) symptoms worse.

I think a big part of my problems, is that I've kept them "locked up" and not talked to other people about them.. now that I talk about them and get feedback, I see things differently.

The psychiatrist is using cognitive theraphy (I think), and to me it seems it helps me think normally, and manage my thoughts and feelings. We're also talking about structure, and I've gotten a lot better at leaving work-mode after working 8-10 hours, which makes me happier, less stressed and more energetic.

Where I would usually come into some negative or anxiety way of thinking earlier, I am now able most of the time to tell myself to stop thinking that way (because I can't bother or have the energy for it) and I can "switch" from that thinking pattern, to a normal or playful thought pattern.

So stress is the trigger for most things; and keeping things structured every day, every week, helps prevent this. Drinking alcohol for example, probably makes me more stressed, as sleep is not as good if you have a bit of a buzz and then there's hangover anxiety (stress).

The Valium is something I cherish, not so much because I use it everyday, but it is an emergency medicine I can use if I feel a panic coming along or get one. It also helps in "heavy" social situations with lots of people. It something I use sparingly and I'm able to train at being sociable.

It is a bit difficult to differantiate between panic attacks and worsening psychotic symptoms. I think lately there has been less panic attacks and more psychosis-related symptoms.

I think talking about things is the best therapy I can get really, but the medicines helps manage the symptoms. And if I weren't on antipsychotics now (Quetiapine), life would probably be a bit different.

There is some strength training every 2-3 days, doing push-ups, sit-ups and more; I've been steady at the same weight for the last 6 months, but I see now that I'm a lot more firm, and it really is good for the mind to do manageable amounts of exercise.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [28 Nov 19:08 Europe/Oslo]

More love, less else

Therapy with my psychiatrist, as well as some other therapy helps..

I now am able to get that loving feeling, as in empathy and being able to care and feel.

It is weird, it feels good. :)

As I read on other blogs and can relate to, you gotta stop caring so much about what other think. And really see the world for what it is and how it works.

Life is too short to worry about what someone who don't see and feel things the way you do. But, it's easier to relate now.

Progress with the psychiatrist.. it helps to talk about things.

And I think I'm on the water wagon again, even though alcohol at times is a good thing to relax with.

In short, I'm feeling more love, less other things. :)

[Later..]

Which reminds me, I talked to an old friend on the phone the other day, he's almost deaf on one ear, so there was some confusion and I asked if he was using the wrong ear.. to which he replied and asked if I had taken my pill today. Hehe. :)

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [26 Nov 20:26 Europe/Oslo]

I've been mad for years..

..the start of a Pink Floyd song goes.

Mmm, I've been pretty out of it, I know. And it's weird to look back at.

Things are going pretty good these days, but there are still (very) up and down moments. I plump out into some things, but hey - I have to find a good footing.

It is strange how one can get used to being a bit mad.

I've been a bit sad lately too, feeling that I've wasted a lot of my life on "pain", and lost a lot of happiness.

On the other hand, I know how easy it is to be out on the edge, something a "normal" person would have problems relating to and understanding.

I see things differently now, that's for sure. I think I'm looking for something I can be really passionate about. And still have a family life.

1,2,3 .. and 3.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [17 Nov 19:42 Europe/Oslo]

Met the kindergarden people

This evening Hilde and I met the rest of the kindergarten people; parents and employees.

Nice, relaxed gang - good humor. And it looks like they have things in order when it comes activating kids and giving them healthy food.

We joked a bit about NAV (the people that have taken their time getting me my sick-leave money which should arrive shortly), but all things considered, NAV works OK but slow. And they could definently get better at *informing* users about what's going on. That's a service thing they should be able to do.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [28 Oct 21:52 Europe/Oslo]

What the..

So, I called NAV today, to follow up on my sick-leave money and the increase I was expecting.

I called the local office first, then I got a new number to call for the old office (Oslo).

They hadn't gotten the papers I sent in, and on it went. So it let it rip and barked a bit but was on topic the whole time.

So now I had to call the local office again. And talked to 2 people there about the papers and application.

During the process I got to learn about NAV and how it works, but what do I care, and why do I have to manage the application process?

I pay my dues, and I expect service, not a mess which sucks up my time and energy.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [30 Sep 13:42 Europe/Oslo]

New beginnings

Things feel good today. Lately I've been able to relax and just be myself. I guess I haven't been that way for a while.

Still taking "enough to knock a horse out"'s worth of Quetiapine, but the meds don't affect me as much as they used to.

I feel brimming with energy, and today culminated in a business idea where I have the concept, the name, the logo (and it's so snug). Just need the resources to get it developed and grown. Not sure it's a big-big revenue generator, but it's a cool thing.

Today is very different from where I was 1 year ago, 5 years ago, 7,8,10,15 years ago. It feels like an annoyance or disturbance has been lifted away.

I can feel, relax, laugh - all with a fuzzy feeling of chill. :)

Still some panic attacks creeping in now and then, but I'm able to control it. I think of them as things that must be combatted and just things that happen as I start functioning normally again.

Life is good. :)

2 weeks until a month in Spain. I'll try something I haven't done in 17 years.. relax and enjoy life for a whole month. No work, no stress.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [05 Sep 21:22 Europe/Oslo]

A good day

So today was a pretty good day. Had a business meeting around noon with Dave and Stig, and the rest of the day has been some work, and relaxation.

I see it is windy outside, and there is even leaves falling off the trees.. Is it that time already?

As I eat healthy things, like fruit and vegetables, I feel my mind working better; it's good to be able to appreciate things now and then.

Work is going OK, we're doing some things that are necessary to run the business in a responsible way. Whatever it takes.

So I'm using meds; it's strange in some ways, the Truxal can take the edge of things, but I can feel the motions of anxiety/terror rolling through the body. It is strange.

Oh well, I'm going to relax some more, and try to go fishing more as well.. fishing is fun.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [06 Aug 20:45 Europe/Oslo]

Only have so much focus at times

Well, I've been in a slump the last week or three, some panic attacks and such that have been striking.

I think I've found the problem; the last couple of years I've gained considerable weight, and I've decided I want to shed some. At some point I think I got stressed and it's easy to forget things..

Being on the wrong kind of diet (too stressful) can get anyone off-balance I think, but I'm particularly vulnerable. It gets to a point where I forget whether I took medicines, forgetting to eat properly. I need to have a checklist for each day, as well as some log of what I eat and drink.

I've been through this before, but now with the meds as an emergency tool to relax and get a grip, as well as Hilde as a observant helper, I'm able to recognize this and do things to alleviate the situation.

When I think back, I think I might have had psychotic episodes before and times similar to the one I'm having now, but back then I just dug in, or ran away or hid in the computer and focused on web activities and work.

This time I had Hilde and Isak to consider, so I just couldn't run away. And maybe I was strong enough to take the fight as well.

I made an OK salary before I got sick last autumn/winter, and because things went as they did, I didn't get the right compensation from my company and the state (they run the sick-leave payment deal). So we pay a fee on each krone paid out in salary, and this gives some insurance in case of sick-leave etc. So it'll be a process to get that money which I think I'm entitled to.

Oh well.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [04 Aug 18:29 Europe/Oslo]

Feet, don't fail me now

I went fishing yesterday with my brother - and caught a big pollock (4.2 KGs). You can see the fish head in the previous blog post, it was quite a beast.

I think it's the biggest fish I've caught from land, and it came towards the end of a rather unproductive fishing day.. I threw out a 40 gram Stingsild with a green back, similar to this one

http://www.solvkroken.no/media/42902/501107_400p.jpg

towards a sandbank, and let it sink (IIRC). I started wheeling it in and noticed there was something on, but I'm not sure it was that heavy to pull in to begin with.

So after a while it got closer, and I could see it beneath the surface and feel that this was something heavy. Shouts and hilarity ensued, and after fighting with it, I had a good-sized pollock lying towards a stone at the surface.

Kaye came to help out, and struggled a bit with the fish. As luck would have it, he got a call from his coming wife's mother, and chatted in the phone while struggling with the fish. He managed to lose the phone in the sea, and some moments of manic laughter from the both of us ensued, and then we got the fish up.

He's now one HTC Android phone poorer, but quoting him: "It was worth it".

We both forgot to pack a knife, so the usual, humane knife-through-the-skull-and-twist method of dealing with fish wasn't done, but we managed to let it bleed out so that the meat didn't get filled with blood.

After catching that fish we finished up, and went on home. The scale showed 4,160 grams - which we can nicely round up to 4,2 KGs.

Great fun, biggest fish I've caught from land, and it was a bit of a struggle so well worth it.

When I "did up" the fish and got about 1 KG of eatable meat, I also found a 100-200 gram herring in its belly, partially digested (some outer shells left).

So I guess he thought he'd be having dinner, but became dinner instead.

This was done while standing on a larger rock, maybe 2-3 square feet of standing space and rocks all around, it is quite amazing how one can do something while the feet and body are taking care of a balancing act.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [25 Jul 20:51 Europe/Oslo]

Good times

Life is getting a lot better these days, I think it helps a lot that others in the company are taking responsibility and me working less.

I've been using the Quetiapine drug for little over half a year, and as the doctors have said, it works better over time. It's probably the meds + the talks with various health personell.

This weekend there was a wedding, Hilde's sister Laila and Vebjørn got hitched. It was wonderful. And a great party afterwards to boot.

I'm getting back to my self, my feeling-better/more-than-ever. It's not a manic thing I think, there are just things that feel better and I can think and have fun. And laugh. :)

Well, there has been some social occasions the last couple of weeks, and for that I've been taking Truxal. There has also been some alcohol, but that's the way it is. I'm not sure if it is the alcohol or the Truxal, but something about those things fuck me up. So I'm thinking of asking my therapist to get me some benzodiazepines instead.

Those are a lot more addictive, but if they aren't too unhealthy and they work, I'd give them a shot instead of Truxal.

I feel things are going to be OK. I've been reading up on Schizophrenia and I'm thinking it could be process Schizophrenia (not acute or reactive) + some psychotic episodes. I read about it and it's aha, aha and aha again.

So, family life. I notice that there is a lot more logistics now, and that's fine. I work under the motto <joke>"If it doesn't fit, it isn't afraid of you"</joke>. :D

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [01 Jul 22:40 Europe/Oslo]

Better days

I think I'm getting better all-in-all, finding it easier to relax in periods, and having some laughs.

It is strange, the things I went through this winter (which scared the bejesus out of me), and that I can feel that I get tired after being with people is kind of funny. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger etc.

To laugh a little or a lot at others' quirks and your own is good I think, and this mental thing is what it is. I think for the first time in 15 years or so I'm able to at least have some good laughs now and then in "normal mode".

I've switched a bit around on the meds, so that there's 100 mg around noon, 100 mg late afternoon and 300 mg an hour or so before bedtime. It seems to work a bit better, but I'm not completely sure.

I talked to the pharmacist about the meds and the side-effects, and told me to talk to the doctor. So I think I'll talk to the doctor soon about Seroquel XR, which is a sustained-release thing that works the same over (I think) a 24-hour period.

But that variant of the medicine is still patented (IIRC) so it's more expensive and requires some paperwork to go through.

It's fun to see Isak develop, starting to get some personality and teeth and whatever else. It motivates me to get a better health too, I'm eating more fruit and vegetables than ever before.

It's weird, I guess you want to stick around and see how things go, as well as to be there. I've had some thoughts about "the end", but I'm starting to reconcile with the fact that we all go in the end, and that you have to "carpe diem and plan for tomorrow."

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [14 Jun 19:53 Europe/Oslo]

Moving the lawn (law'n'order)

So, I mowed the lawn today, with the new electrical lawnmower. Hilde liked that, I guess most women appreciate it when we men do practical things.. :)

Anyway, doing these chores gets the juices flowing. I had a dinner with Daniel Mikkelsen (http://dm.cl.no) on Saturday and we discussed some obscure heavy subjects.

It's interesting to see how development (understanding) is going in two ways, we find smaller and smaller things and build bigger and bigger things.

As Daniel said, you can't understand something bigger than yourself. Which is kind-of-true I guess. But we build societies and "grow bigger" and are able to, what can you call it, we're able to sustain longer, remember longer too as a society.

In Norway we have a social democratic politicial system, and the Scandinavian safety net and "jantelov" has made us more leveled-off I think. Progressing as a society.

Anyway, it's fun with the internet.. if we think of the nation as an organism, the internet is providing us with the neural network.

If you think about it, it is kind of funny. The nerves in the body are pretty quick, while the digestion/acquirements of energy and transport of energy and oxygen is slower. If wonder what the numbers are if you compare the body's nerve system and "energy handling" vs. nations and the internet and all that.

So, this capitalism thing. I haven't studied it but I guess I've "jukset i faget" and learnt thing from different perspectives.

The financial crises that have been are.. because of experimentation? Gambling? Greed? Lazyness? ...?

I dunno, but capitalism is, in progress-and-long-view-terms, a coopetition, where companies compete and experiment and serve as a transport mechanism and gearbox in society.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [10 Jun 13:11 Europe/Oslo]

Bzzzzt

So, I've been reflecting a bit lately. Today was a somewhat stressful day, with some heavy anxiety or whatever it is during the day.

That's stressful in itself, but I managed.. I get easily annoyed and jumpy though, and I'm a bit tough in my responses to Hilde and I feel a bit bad about that right now.

But, down to business. I have this paranoia/conspiracy thing that comes crashing every now and then. Back in 2000-2001 or so, I worked with a company called Thingamy (now http://www.thingamy.com) where we were on some projects which didn't work out too well. I went out on a low note, on a project which didn't finish, because I (I guess), lacked experience and was under pressure so I kept making promises. Young and naive.

Well, after that last project I went back home licked my wounds for a while, and that last project had a lasting effect on me. I think I was burnt out, and I had acquired a bit of debt.

So, close to 10 years later that project still haunts me. 5-6 years ago I teamed up with David (http://www.aktivnett.no) for a customer on a site, and we started working together after that. The customer we met on in question had (from what I heard, a deal with a company the lead from Thingamy had worked with before).

So, I guess since 2002 somewhere I've worked starting my own hosting/development company, but for some reason I kept working on the same track on some of the ideas we worked on in Thingamy.

Well, today things came crashing back again, as the mailing lists on the Plone project (where the Thingamy lead again knows some key actors in the Plone head) were discussing licensing for the Plone project, where some finer legal details could hurt my company a bit.

Well, in my time I've done some dumb things, and I feel like that's being held against me now, as

http://yro.slashdot.org/story/10/06/08/2038233/America-Versu...

"Asperger's syndrome, depression, anxiety, and panic attacks" has something that could relate to my deal, which is that I have those symptoms, well, not so much depression these days. And there was this thing about keeping promises.

Well, I had the post with the number 3 the other day, and here comes one from Sigurd today:

http://blog.thingamy.com/sigs_blog/2010/06/three-types-of-ui...

Where I feel that the world is crashing in on me, and I'm impicitly pressured and threatened into working and inventing something related to user interfaces and that system without getting credit or paid for it.

This feeling is very real, and very bad.

Well, I've had some serious problems up through the years, but it was a little time ago that I heard about a, if you can call it that, prank, where the idea was to get a troubled guy who did something selfish to really suffer, without knowing what it was for.

[Later..]

I guess this sucky experience was triggered by a tall, slender white-haired guy who was (apparently) a bit drunk and eager to talk semi-good cuban or was it spanish to the storemen at the trainstation where I bought the cigars.

There has been people around me for shorter or longer time screwing with me I think.
  And I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing.


[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [08 Jun 23:25 Europe/Oslo]

Ring, ring

So I decided to go for a walk today, getting back on the fitness track. Ate a salad for lunch, and started walking.

I was walking and daydreaming about this and that (to the tune of http://trololololololololololo.com/) the phone rang, which has the trololo tune as the ringtone.

It was Stig, and while we talked business I could hear the short beep for an incoming SMS message.

After talking to Stig I could see the message was from the answering machine service, and I called to check.

It was my "interviewer" from the TOP project, and I had tried to get in touch with her several times last week to get a copy of the report.

Oh well, all is well. Some minutes later I had to burp and out came 3 small chunks at high velocity from the lunch as well. You'd think the reflex is to stop burping, but I went on and 3 came flying out.

Anyway, eventful day. This evening we're rounding off the visit to Oslo by having some XO cognac and Cuban cigars.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [07 Jun 16:07 Europe/Oslo]

Horsing on

Well, life is improving.. I think.

I'm on a good dose of Quetitapine (200 MGs morning 12:00, 300 at 22-23) and it helps, although some panic attacks and shortness of breath are side effects, or part of the root issue.

I've had some REALLY good laughs lately.. and today I had Isak for 3 hours while Hilde was getting her hair done for Laila's wedding.

It might be that I'm S0chizotypal:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypal_personality_disorde...

Life goes on. :)

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [03 Jun 16:13 Europe/Oslo]

This and that

So I'm still playing around with my iPad. I really like it.. downloaded a TV episode by the BBC about nature the other day, which is the kind of entertainment I like to see.

It's around 3-4 dollars for an episode of anything, and that's an OK price.. I've cut out snus now (taking one portion per day) and with those savings (15 dollars a day) I can instead spend it on content that I find entertaining and interesting.

I'm also trying to eat healthier, eating some fruits every day and a vegetable or two. And today we had fish sticks with potato, carrot and sour cream.. it was tasty, and I replaced butter on the potato with real virgin olive oil instead, the kind which is expensive and tasty.

Small steps..


[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [24 Apr 17:32 Europe/Oslo]

Back to my (sensitive) senses

So, this last week has been weird, tough and good. The last .. half a year+ has been one hell of a, pardon my french, fucked up ride.

But it feels like I've come back to my senses, my very old self. And I wonder how long I've been out of touch.

Anyway, I picked up a clue today.. we went to a mall and bought some stuff, and I bought an FM-tranmitter, the kind you can hook up to your phone and get music on the car radio.

Well, the clue was, I noticed when I sat in my car that I could "lock up" and almost desperately try to figure things out and ignore anything else. So it is kind of a .. have to finish or get it right thing going on. Or have something to focus on. I could literally feel my mind and body revving up and staying there.

On the other hand, when I'm not doing much and "feeling more" I can get anxiety and that fall-asleep-and-you'll-die feeling.

So, that's how it is. But I'm optimistic and feeling that things could get better and more stable in the long run.

Oh, and the FM-transmitter hooked to my phone.. worked in the car, but the volume could be better.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [19 Apr 20:30 Europe/Oslo]

A pretty good day, yesterday too

So, I'm still on these meds, and it feels like it is helping. I've gotten some additional meds as well (Truxal) which makes things even better when I have to be social. I guess it also takes a bit of the edge off the Seroquel.

Up in Mo i Rana now, staying at Hilde's parents place. It's nice to be here, I always feel welcome.

It feels like things are improving, and I'll work hard (smart) to make sure they do.

One thing I'll have to deal with is getting more exercise. Had to get a new suit (again) last week. At a great shop BTW, "House of singles". Good service, although maybe a bit too intimate. ;)

Still need a lot of sleep though, it puts me off if I don't get enough.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [11 Mar 22:08 Europe/Oslo]

A good day

I got up early this morning, as Hilde was visiting a friend who just got a baby.

I was looking forward to today as Vebjørn and I were going to do a long session on Call of Duty. Which was fun, played for some hours but towards the end I got a pretty bad headache and it wasn't as much fun.

I've been getting better (I think) the last week, but I get easily tired, and there has been some challenging stuff relating to work too.

It is easy to get distracted from work, I think I have a bit of a messy head (and maybe always had) - but I'm going to bite my teeth together this coming week and get something produced.

This last week has been fuelled and managed with the help of some alcohol, but I'm not drinking tonight and will try to keep it to Friday/Saturday at the most. As "suggested" by Hilde. :)

I think part of my problem is that I can't focus (or not give a shit) and have problems concentrating. So I hook onto something and then analyze and think a bit and leave it.

I have some thoughts and ideas I'd like to pursue. But there is an underlying angst or paranoia of being ripped off or shafted in some way I think which makes it hard to do anything. First priority is NIT though.. it works and pays the bills. And we have some great customers. And it's my job.

There was some news today on patient care, was a guy with Pompe's disease (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glycogen_storage_disease_type_I... which required some very expensive medicine (in the millions per year IIRC). So, there is going to be a panel on what the upper limit is.

So this guy's lungs might deteriorate to the point that he will have difficulties or stop breathing. I can't image how that might be, and it is in a sad ironic way kinda like a lethal injection, except there you get knocked out first.

Tough decisions.. if you will/have cost too much we'll have to let you go?

Anyway, my plan for myself. To get a diagnosis and keep doing therapy. There have been glimpses of feeling good, perfectly normal and relaxed, that's probably because I've got to dump my thoughts. And maybe it is the medicine. Now the TOP project mapping will be finished soon and that'll give an indication of what it is (I hope). Work with NIT for a while, and then within a 2-3 years span put some plans and ideas into action, where I can take a creative/directional role as a part of a team.

In any case, habilitation and rehabilitation is one area I'm interested in. People want to contribute and feel good, right?

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [07 Mar 21:15 Europe/Oslo]

A downer and a place to live

So, today has been a lot of anxiety and negative thoughts.. Some breaks and we were looking at a new place to live.

I keep getting streaks of anxiety and negative thoughts, and once when Isak started crying I thought it was because I was having negative thoughts and feelings. That's pretty nuts isn't it? And I think I've had this before. Would almost be funny, if I wasn't anxious about it striking again. Which reminds me.. Last week I had an extremely tense and bad day most of the day but wasn't sure why.. I guess it was so bad that after taking my meds I couldn't stop smiling and chuckling to myself, without knowing why.

Anyway, the place we looked at was nice, with a nice place dowstairs with a fireplace. There is only one shower, and I've been dreaming of a room of my own. So jokingly I thought.. Why not get a 50 inch LED TV with, a Jacuzzi and waterproof PS3 controllers. Yeah, why not.




[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [02 Mar 21:57 Europe/Oslo]

Travelling

Travelling by train is a great experience, especially here in the winter. It gets dark outside and the moonshine (...) and lights from buildings and roads and snow make it a great experience.

The da-dum-dump sound the train makes om the tracks while the landscape whizzes by is comforting.

We chose a toddler coupe and met some nice people travelling the same way. Smiles and expressions of understanding as Isak was telling us off that something wasn't to his liking in his own way were nice and we had some good conversations.

It is funny how things change when you become a parent.


[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [01 Mar 23:59 Europe/Oslo]

Going on

So, life isn't easy these days, but I'm managing somehow.

They've got me on some meds which seems to be helping, but there are periods where it is storming inside, both in my head and today mostly in my torso.

Anyway, I'm jotting down some notes for myself for future art which I or someone else could do, images and "films" I've gotten in my head:

8 (8)

4, green hill, day and night, with and without nightvision

Radiant angst

Cliff, noose and safety net

The 3 flowers hanging their heads in the dark, violet/pinkish

[Later..]

Some more: stickman, cable/warp/"offshoot"

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [12 Jan 20:25 Europe/Oslo]

Simple factory job

I'm thinking a simple factory job or something similar could be right for me (I've worked with that earlier). Just seeing results every day and doing my part.


[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [02 Dec 14:08 Europe/Oslo]

My plan

So, lately I've been reflecting on life and my path through it... I lost my way, and I need to be a better person, for my family and for society.

I'm thinking of living a humble life and follow the faith I was Christened to. This would entail giving up my stake in my company (maybe selling out my portion for a small sum so I can start from scratch).

I'll be a strict but caring father, and contribute to good where I can.

What I'll be working on in the future I'm not sure of, but I'd like guidance. I'm not built to handle a lot of stress, so it has to be a simple but interesting job that matches my skillset.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [29 Nov 16:24 Europe/Oslo]

Where to go next (Holland?)

Well, after visiting Amsterdam this summer I must say I'm intrigued by the country. :)

So, I'm sniffing around and considering moving to Holland, found this site which had some useful info:

http://www.movetonetherlands.com/

Also lots of other good sites with info.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [27 Sep 17:50 Europe/Oslo]

This year's christmas tree

No description available

We've got a christmas tree up, nothing to brag about, but it brings the spirit of Christmas to our living room.



[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [21 Dec 17:03 Europe/Oslo]

Small joys in the life we live

Today we had taco-pizza for dinner, which Hilde prepared. With tortillas on top and lots of cheese. Tasty.

Along with some lite beer (not light, but lite, as in less calories) we've been relaxing all night on the sofa, not doing much at all.

As I grow older I've learned to enjoy some of the smaller things in life, not chasing after something all the time, but just being and relaxing.

I think the key is learning not to give a shit at times. Live and let live. Some issues have an expiry date anyway, a different place, a different time... :)

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [13 Dec 21:43 Europe/Oslo]

Something to look forward to every day

No description available

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [02 Dec 19:03 Europe/Oslo]

It's good to be home

Arrived home about 45 minutes ago, after taking the plane from Trondheim. I'd rather take the train, but no tickets were available until the start of next week, and the prospect of sitting for 6-7 hours with Sciatica wasn't that interesting.

Oh well, time to get settled, and dig into the mounting pile of work..

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Living (Atom feed)] [03 Nov 20:07 Europe/Oslo]

Settling in

I'm starting to settle in now, in my new apartment in Oslo. Found an OK gym and got to try another gym for free as well (a great gym which is a bit farther away).

It's been a lot of parties since I moved here, but it should get a bit more quiet - burning the candle at both ends only works for so long.

Just a couple of things left now for the apartment: a night table, a new wireless router (the D-Link I bought initially was useless), maybe a lamp or two and maybe some posters / pictures / paintings to have on the walls.

Maybe a lava lamp.. hmm. And maybe a little fishbowl with some fish too.

[Permalink] [By morphex] [Oslo (Atom feed)] [28 Jun 21:23 Europe/Oslo]